Meditations on Saying No

1. Yes and no are like secret passwords that open different doors. To say no is not necessarily to miss an opportunity. Close a door and another opens; open one and another closes.

2a. No is more difficult to say than yes because it requires more energy upfront. Saying yes is sometimes a form of procrastination, to delay the expenditure of mental effort. In the long run, however, yes is frequently a form of commitment, and typically requires the expenditure of far greater sums of energy over time.

2b. No is a debit, yes a credit; and there is no more ruthless creditor than time.

3. A revolution is not a yes, but a no to no itself.

Yes and No Diagram

4a. To make a no more defensible, you must first say no to defending it.* An effective no is a black box; it offers the receiver no insight into whence it came. Remember that any reason you give for your refusal will be met with objections in favor of saying yes. Ask yourself, “Will this person demanding my acquiescence be at my funeral?” If not, it is rude for him or her to ask for an explanation. To these people, say simply, “No, thank you. I’m not interested in discussing this any further.”

4b. With family and close friends, my (too?) infrequent refusals typically appeal to my feelings for justification. Feelings are the great irreducible, or logic unmasked. Is anything less logical than a logical argument about how a person should feel? (Feelings are changed with feelings.) Alas, you will still hear these arguments, and to the philosopher of others’ feelings one can only reply, “You’re making me uncomfortable.”

5. Saying yes to yes is, in some sense, the default mode of civil society. Hence, the demand that every no carry a supporting argument. Too few of us are taught to say no, with the exception of extreme circumstances. The first refusals of a person who has never learned to say no are like small explosions, seemingly random and inexplicable. The fright to the recipient of such a no is nothing next to the fright of its speaker.

These moments of micro-violence can shake a person’s sense of identity. Take heart: learning to say no is about learning who we are not, which is as much a part of our identity as who we are. That first act of no reflects not the true self but the unself, which remains actualized within us so long as we submit to the infinite yes.

* I have in mind here sales people, marketers, casual acquaintances asking for favors, strangers—viz., anyone making a burdensome, unsolicited request. Note that there are certainly situations where refusals must carry some form of logical explanation, such as court decisions, the failure to fulfill an obligation, etc.